I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
