No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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