Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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