Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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