My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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