We won't sleep together?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
