While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
as a side note pls kill me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
