no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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