hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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