dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
