I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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