The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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