it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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