im about as happy as oj after his trial
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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