Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Randomize
