my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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