so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
