he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
