this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
