I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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