I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize