Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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