I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
