fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize