You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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