I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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