i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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