Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dick very happy bro
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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