I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
