...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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