He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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