Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
