You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
