You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
