She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
