a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
