o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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