watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
