Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
