I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
