Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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