I wanna bring you to show and tell
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
