I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
