i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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