my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
