hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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