I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
