I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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