his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
