i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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