I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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