More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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