I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
