Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
