i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
