i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I forget how to act sober
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
